Without Love, Without Light, Without Him

Sunday, November 27, 2011
On Wednesday, November 2, 2011, my world changed forever. The landscape around me is no longer filled with beauty and light, it's bleak and dark. There is no joy, no laughter. There's an emptiness inside of me, a huge hole where my heart used to be. I feel incomplete. I've become half a person, missing a vital piece of myself. There is so much pain. Deep wounds carved by grief and the scalding tears that flow like a raging river. I've never felt so alone, lost, without direction.

It seems like forever since that day, and sometimes it feels like it just happened a couple of days ago. Time has never seemed so warped as it does now. It's as if time has suddenly become fluid. Flowing back and forth like waves crashing against the beach and retreating back into the sea. Some days I wish it would suck me under and wash me out there with it.

I go to sleep every night and wake up every day with his name on my lips. He's always there no matter where I go or what I do. Everywhere I turn J is there.

I've felt the pull of the black hole trying to suck me in and keep me there. At times I want to give in, let it take me in and comfort me with the warmth of its darkness. I struggle every day to make myself get up and go. Every day I just go through the motions of life, but I'm not really living. I exist in this nowhere space with its fluid time.

I search each day for direction, for some purpose, for hope. In the blink of an eye I was suddenly cut off, set adrift on the ocean with a horrific storm raging around me. I sobbed in terror, feeling pain rip me apart, screaming his name. The only person I needed, wanted, gone forever. How can I still be breathing? How can my heart still beat when his is not? I am still wondering how, probably always will since there is no answer.


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