|Sky waves; hummel_12; sxc.hu|
Do you ever wonder how you keep breathing through the pain? Do you ever wonder how you're still living?
I wonder these things and more every single day. I don't have any answers for you, I don't have any answers to anything for myself. I can only stare at the sky, stare at the full moon, our moon and keep wondering without gaining any respite from the pain. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at his picture without crying, wailing inside where my heart and soul used to reside, but now there's only an empty, dark space. He took it all with him the second he ceased breathing.
I wonder if there's a recording out there of his voice. He was supposed to record himself just talking to me, like I did for him, but he never did. Time ran out before he did it. We were working on a poem together based on a Lady Antebellum song. I sent it to him to add to, but never got it back. I wonder if his computer is still sitting on his desk...if the things I don't have because I sent it to him are still on there, both public and private.
I wonder why we didn't get more time together. One year seems like an extraordinarily short amount of time for two people, who are life mates, the love of each others' lives, to get to spend together. We waited so damn long just to be a couple, to find one another and fall in love, to fulfill our fates, our destinies. Maybe that's part of the thing to answer a part of my wondering. Fate and destiny happens. We have no control over the time period it happens in.
I wonder how life, fate, destiny can be so cruel. So mean to take him away from me. Yank him away and leave me here to face this hellish existence with no one. Leave me all alone without love, light, laughter. I wonder if I'll get used to it all, get used to existing this way for as long as this body breathes.
I wonder when I can be with him to feel what it's like to be wrapped in his arms. Hear his voice whisper in my ear. Feel his body against mine. I wonder if he's near me thinking, wanting, yearning for the same things I am. To know the things we never got a chance to know in this life.
I wonder whose eyes will read these words, shed tears with me, thinking of their missing half and understanding all I have said, feel it, as well as the things that didn't come from my fingers onto this page. The things I haven't said....yet. Let's all wonder together. Let's wonder as we stare at the sky during the day or at night, moon or no moon and feel our connection through shared loss. Take comfort from each other and know, just this one little thing, we don't have to wonder about, because we're not alone.