That's how I feel right now. I want to write about certain things for this blog and my others, but I start something and have to stop, unable to go on. I still have conversations and messages to copy and save from J, but can't. Even seeing his name, thinking it causes me to cry so hard I can't see, can't think. This last week has been just about as rough as the first week after he died. I let the tears flow and struggle to hold them back all day long.
Why would I not cry? I try to keep the faucet turned off in public. That's not so easy when I have to be out in public, specifically at McD's to get online. The times I can't stop it, I hide my face behind my screen or go outside to grab a smoke and let loose a little. I HATE having to smile at people, talk and pretend I'm ok. Nothing is ok...there's nothing "right" about my world now and it'll never ok, good or right ever again. The pain, grief, sorrow I feel seems to just consume me. I feel like there's nothing left of me at all. I'm just a hollow shell of who I was before November 2, 2011.
Then, song after song is played up here that I posted on his Facebook wall or his on mine. Right now "More Than Words" is playing. It was one of the songs I heard early on in our relationship. J and I shared a love of music. We felt lost, bereft without music. We were glad that being writers allowed us to express ourselves, but sometimes we became frustrated over not being able to find the right words. Music to the rescue! We'd find a perfect song to say what we felt, show the depths of our love, longing, missing each other, or to make each other laugh. Moods and emotions played a large part in what we listened to.
So much emotion is tangled up inside me when I listen to music now. Almost every song I hear is one of our songs, or a song I was planning on posting to his wall. I just want to scream and cry, keen and sob till I can't talk anymore. I'm possibly the only person in the world who was keeping a running list of songs for the love of my life to express the feelings I knew would come when J died.
I'm sure some people thought I was nuts to get involved with a dying man, to fall in love with him. Truthfully, J and I had no choice in the matter at all. We fell deeply in love and there was no going back. Neither of us could turn away from it, nor did we want to. He was all I ever wanted in a man and so much more. He told me I was all he ever wanted and more too.
I miss him so damn much. Would some of what I'm going through be a little different if the DMD had been the reason for his death? I wonder, but I'll never know. He was here with me one day, then...gone. He wasn't supposed to die. I am the luckiest woman in the world because J loved me, cherished me, was the only woman he'd ever given his heart to. We completed each other, felt bound to each other in a way that we'll never feel again...that I'll never feel again until we meet again in our next life.
Showing posts with label falling in love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label falling in love. Show all posts
It Began With a Wand and Was Interrupted by Death
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Maybe I should've started with how we met, given you our story first. That would make sense, to begin at the beginning, then move the story along into his death and my grief. It seems grief needed to have its say first, to be purged before allowing me to go back in time and fill in the details. Grief will have its say some more, but now, it's time for J and me.
I choose the word "interrupted" or "interruption," because it's not the end of us, the end of our story, the end of our love. Our story will also need more than one post to tell, so let me begin the telling of it. If anyone asked us how we met, how it all began, we'd answer: "It all started with a wand." Unable to help ourselves, we break down, laughing until our sides ache and wiping away the tears streaming down our faces. It was a Wednesday night, October 25th, 2010 to be exact, on Facebook (referred to as FB from now on). It was chat night for an FB writers group we belonged to.
I had seen his name in the group before. I had read his articles on, what was then, Associated Content, now Yahoo! Contributor Network. There had been other chat nights, but we'd never been in it at the same time, or if we were, I was coming while he was going or vise versa. I thought he didn't even know who I was. I also thought that even if he did...no way would he ever be interested in me.
Writers love to play with words and that night was no exception. As usual, the conversation evolved, or devolved might be a better word, into the realm of double entendre. The conversation involved talk of magic and magic wands made of wood. Once we started talking directly to each other in chat, words flew fast and furious. The rest of the world fell away for both of us. Our fellow writers ceased to exist. We saw no one except each other.
We took our talking off to FB messages that night and for a couple of days, then needing and wanting to talk directly to each other, we moved to Yahoo! chat. We exchanged phone numbers soon after and split our time between hour upon hour of talking online, and talking on the phone. About two weeks or so after that Wednesday night chat, we set our FB relationship status.
It might seem quick to some, even impossible to feel what we did never having met each other, but we felt a bond with each other from the start. We felt as if we'd known each other for years instead of days. Both of us felt as if the missing piece of us had finally come home. There was no doubt in our minds that we had fallen in love, fallen quite hard. Neither of us cared what people thought. No one has ever said anything to me, but I know many people think it's impossible to love someone you've never met. Think it's impossible to have a long distance relationship, but we proved them all wrong and showed it is possible and it is very, very real.
Thus ends how it began. Stay tuned for our first, and only year, with each other, along with a more intimate look at our lives.
I choose the word "interrupted" or "interruption," because it's not the end of us, the end of our story, the end of our love. Our story will also need more than one post to tell, so let me begin the telling of it. If anyone asked us how we met, how it all began, we'd answer: "It all started with a wand." Unable to help ourselves, we break down, laughing until our sides ache and wiping away the tears streaming down our faces. It was a Wednesday night, October 25th, 2010 to be exact, on Facebook (referred to as FB from now on). It was chat night for an FB writers group we belonged to.
I had seen his name in the group before. I had read his articles on, what was then, Associated Content, now Yahoo! Contributor Network. There had been other chat nights, but we'd never been in it at the same time, or if we were, I was coming while he was going or vise versa. I thought he didn't even know who I was. I also thought that even if he did...no way would he ever be interested in me.
Writers love to play with words and that night was no exception. As usual, the conversation evolved, or devolved might be a better word, into the realm of double entendre. The conversation involved talk of magic and magic wands made of wood. Once we started talking directly to each other in chat, words flew fast and furious. The rest of the world fell away for both of us. Our fellow writers ceased to exist. We saw no one except each other.
We took our talking off to FB messages that night and for a couple of days, then needing and wanting to talk directly to each other, we moved to Yahoo! chat. We exchanged phone numbers soon after and split our time between hour upon hour of talking online, and talking on the phone. About two weeks or so after that Wednesday night chat, we set our FB relationship status.
It might seem quick to some, even impossible to feel what we did never having met each other, but we felt a bond with each other from the start. We felt as if we'd known each other for years instead of days. Both of us felt as if the missing piece of us had finally come home. There was no doubt in our minds that we had fallen in love, fallen quite hard. Neither of us cared what people thought. No one has ever said anything to me, but I know many people think it's impossible to love someone you've never met. Think it's impossible to have a long distance relationship, but we proved them all wrong and showed it is possible and it is very, very real.
Thus ends how it began. Stay tuned for our first, and only year, with each other, along with a more intimate look at our lives.
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