That's how I feel right now. I want to write about certain things for this blog and my others, but I start something and have to stop, unable to go on. I still have conversations and messages to copy and save from J, but can't. Even seeing his name, thinking it causes me to cry so hard I can't see, can't think. This last week has been just about as rough as the first week after he died. I let the tears flow and struggle to hold them back all day long.
Why would I not cry? I try to keep the faucet turned off in public. That's not so easy when I have to be out in public, specifically at McD's to get online. The times I can't stop it, I hide my face behind my screen or go outside to grab a smoke and let loose a little. I HATE having to smile at people, talk and pretend I'm ok. Nothing is ok...there's nothing "right" about my world now and it'll never ok, good or right ever again. The pain, grief, sorrow I feel seems to just consume me. I feel like there's nothing left of me at all. I'm just a hollow shell of who I was before November 2, 2011.
Then, song after song is played up here that I posted on his Facebook wall or his on mine. Right now "More Than Words" is playing. It was one of the songs I heard early on in our relationship. J and I shared a love of music. We felt lost, bereft without music. We were glad that being writers allowed us to express ourselves, but sometimes we became frustrated over not being able to find the right words. Music to the rescue! We'd find a perfect song to say what we felt, show the depths of our love, longing, missing each other, or to make each other laugh. Moods and emotions played a large part in what we listened to.
So much emotion is tangled up inside me when I listen to music now. Almost every song I hear is one of our songs, or a song I was planning on posting to his wall. I just want to scream and cry, keen and sob till I can't talk anymore. I'm possibly the only person in the world who was keeping a running list of songs for the love of my life to express the feelings I knew would come when J died.
I'm sure some people thought I was nuts to get involved with a dying man, to fall in love with him. Truthfully, J and I had no choice in the matter at all. We fell deeply in love and there was no going back. Neither of us could turn away from it, nor did we want to. He was all I ever wanted in a man and so much more. He told me I was all he ever wanted and more too.
I miss him so damn much. Would some of what I'm going through be a little different if the DMD had been the reason for his death? I wonder, but I'll never know. He was here with me one day, then...gone. He wasn't supposed to die. I am the luckiest woman in the world because J loved me, cherished me, was the only woman he'd ever given his heart to. We completed each other, felt bound to each other in a way that we'll never feel again...that I'll never feel again until we meet again in our next life.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Finding Comfort in Grief
Monday, November 28, 2011
"Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making."- Stephanie Ericsson
I came across this quote and as I read the words my eyes filled with tears and said, "Yes, exactly! This...this is how I feel right now. It's been almost four weeks in a world without J. I'm a new person, changed in ways I never thought possible. I feel battered, bruised, stripped of my skin, raw. Seeing as I'm still breathing, then I suppose the brutal force of grief hasn't killed me.
Another quote:
"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies." — William Penn
I cry reading these words because they are so true. Many times J and I vowed to love each other forever, always and into eternity, beyond death. He told me that he would still love me even when he was dead. He'd miss me as much as I'd miss him. Love is a force of nature, equal to any hurricane, tidal wave, tornado or earthquake. When you're caught up in it, your world changes, you change. When death steals your loved one from you, you're equally as stunned, shocked and devastated in the aftermath, looking around at a new, alien world. Nothing is ever the same again.
One more quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving
This moves me to tears as well. It also brought me to an "a-ha" moment. I confess, mostly due to all the horrors I've survived and how I was raised, that I've always seen tears as a sign of weakness. They marked a person as weak, unable to deal with life, or the trials of life, whatever cause or reason for the tears. I find it hard to put it into any better words.
Reading these words through eyes freshly glazed with grief, a mind emptied yet full of words and emotions, I feel the sacredness, the power, the grief and the unspeakable love he speaks of. Every tear that leaves its trail upon my face is full of the sacred bond J and I shared, full of the power of our love for one another, full of my pain and grief, full of memories of our time together.
A quote from my own mind:
"Grief leaves its mark in eyes full of shadows, once filled with light. It leaves its mark on the face in a trail of unending tears. Grief leaves its mark deepest upon the heart." --Karen Bishop
I came across this quote and as I read the words my eyes filled with tears and said, "Yes, exactly! This...this is how I feel right now. It's been almost four weeks in a world without J. I'm a new person, changed in ways I never thought possible. I feel battered, bruised, stripped of my skin, raw. Seeing as I'm still breathing, then I suppose the brutal force of grief hasn't killed me.
Another quote:
"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies." — William Penn
I cry reading these words because they are so true. Many times J and I vowed to love each other forever, always and into eternity, beyond death. He told me that he would still love me even when he was dead. He'd miss me as much as I'd miss him. Love is a force of nature, equal to any hurricane, tidal wave, tornado or earthquake. When you're caught up in it, your world changes, you change. When death steals your loved one from you, you're equally as stunned, shocked and devastated in the aftermath, looking around at a new, alien world. Nothing is ever the same again.
One more quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving
This moves me to tears as well. It also brought me to an "a-ha" moment. I confess, mostly due to all the horrors I've survived and how I was raised, that I've always seen tears as a sign of weakness. They marked a person as weak, unable to deal with life, or the trials of life, whatever cause or reason for the tears. I find it hard to put it into any better words.
Reading these words through eyes freshly glazed with grief, a mind emptied yet full of words and emotions, I feel the sacredness, the power, the grief and the unspeakable love he speaks of. Every tear that leaves its trail upon my face is full of the sacred bond J and I shared, full of the power of our love for one another, full of my pain and grief, full of memories of our time together.
A quote from my own mind:
"Grief leaves its mark in eyes full of shadows, once filled with light. It leaves its mark on the face in a trail of unending tears. Grief leaves its mark deepest upon the heart." --Karen Bishop
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