Trying to be Strong

Sunday, December 4, 2011
Cemetery Fog; jackaroe;
 "Like the mighty oak that watches over those who went before us, we see a ray of sunshine when we need it most. We see a glimmer of hope when we feel ours is gone." ~ Karen Bishop

I've had an...eventful life to say the least. Most of it I wish I could forget. The events weren't something I'd wish on my worst enemy. What has this got to do with grief? I've thought a lot over the years and I know the years of abuse I survived made me a strong person. Living with a chronic pain condition that could end in my own death has made me stronger. It's that strength, that core of steel running through me that keeps me breathing right now. I have survived so much in life and even though the pain of losing J is worse than anything I've ever felt, ever will feel, does it too make me stronger? I suppose it must if you go by the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've always had to be strong. Had to be the one who kept everything and everyone going. In the past, even now, I rarely take time for myself, to slow down and just breathe. When I met J, he wanted to hold me. He wanted to make everything better for me. He wanted to take away my pain. He was the first person ever who loved me for me. The first person who didn't condemn my tears as a sign of weakness. He told me it was ok to cry on the phone, where he could hear me, that he understood.

During the year we had, there were days I was so tired, days I was tired of being strong. I allowed myself, for the first time in my life, to lean on someone. He was my rock on days I was tired of being strong, days when the pain was almost too much to handle. I was his rock for the days he struggled with increased pain, days his frustration over his physical limitations made him angry. No matter what, we always made each other laugh.

There were a lot of "firsts" between J and I. They make our time and my memories more precious. I'll never have what we had with anyone else. I have other things going on. A particular thing that I got hit with yesterday and I'm left reeling. I miss J so damn bad right now. Today I don't want to be strong. I want him here to hear me pour it out. I need his words, his advice, I need him, I need my best friend.

It's a very rough day today. The tears keep coming. I've told myself over and over today, "It's ok. Some days will always be harder than others. It doesn't make you weak."


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