Broken and Struggling -- Music to Live By

Friday, December 9, 2011
That's how I feel right now. I want to write about certain things for this blog and my others, but I start something and have to stop, unable to go on. I still have conversations and messages to copy and save from J, but can't. Even seeing his name, thinking it causes me to cry so hard I can't see, can't think. This last week has been just about as rough as the first week after he died. I let the tears flow and struggle to hold them back all day long.

Why would I not cry? I try to keep the faucet turned off in public. That's not so easy when I have to be out in public, specifically at McD's to get online. The times I can't stop it, I hide my face behind my screen or go outside to grab a smoke and let loose a little. I HATE having to smile at people, talk and pretend I'm ok. Nothing is ok...there's nothing "right" about my world now and it'll never ok, good or right ever again. The pain, grief, sorrow I feel seems to just consume me. I feel like there's nothing left of me at all. I'm just a hollow shell of who I was before November 2, 2011.

Then, song after song is played up here that I posted on his Facebook wall or his on mine. Right now "More Than Words" is playing. It was one of the songs I heard early on in our relationship. J and I shared a love of music. We felt lost, bereft without music. We were glad that being writers allowed us to express ourselves, but sometimes we became frustrated over not being able to find the right words. Music to the rescue! We'd find a perfect song to say what we felt, show the depths of our love, longing, missing each other, or to make each other laugh. Moods and emotions played a large part in what we listened to.

So much emotion is tangled up inside me when I listen to music now. Almost every song I hear is one of our songs, or a song I was planning on posting to his wall. I just want to scream and cry, keen and sob till I can't talk anymore. I'm possibly the only person in the world who was keeping a running list of songs for the love of my life to express the feelings I knew would come when J died.

I'm sure some people thought I was nuts to get involved with a dying man, to fall in love with him. Truthfully, J and I had no choice in the matter at all. We fell deeply in love and there was no going back. Neither of us could turn away from it, nor did we want to. He was all I ever wanted in a man and so much more. He told me I was all he ever wanted and more too.

I miss him so damn much. Would some of what I'm going through be a little different if the DMD had been the reason for his death? I wonder, but I'll never know. He was here with me one day, then...gone. He wasn't supposed to die. I am the luckiest woman in the world because J loved me, cherished me, was the only woman he'd ever given his heart to. We completed each other, felt bound to each other in a way that we'll never feel again...that I'll never feel again until we meet again in our next life.


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