Coming Back Little by Little

Thursday, August 23, 2012
Full Moon Fishing; Lisamurray; Flickr
It's been nine and a half months since J died. It feels so much longer some days and just like yesterday at other times. I'm coming back little by little from the laid out, grief-stricken, waterworks factory I've been since that day.

At first I was full, overflowing with emotions and words. I couldn't keep up with myself in the amount of words I wrote, mostly offline to J. I thought words would save me again, help me to walk the shaky bridge of grief over losing my best friend, my other half, my life mate.

It was too much to keep up with though and grief has claimed me for all these months. The words dried up, at least the words I needed to write here, my other blogs, begin to act on other writing ideas. The good news is for the first time I feel words slowly oozing out, needing to be let free from behind the damn where they've built up.

My fiercest wish to be with him hasn't stopped, it probably never will, but the sharp, insistent call of death's song has faded somewhat. I'll never stop wanting to be with him, to have him back with me, something, anything, just as long as we're together. He took my heart, my soul, everything important inside of me with him, as well as my whole world outside. On November 2nd, I ceased to live and began to only exist. I will always only exist because without him there is no life.

How can there be a life? Life is joy, laughter, light, a heart that skips a beat hearing his voice in my ear, seeing his name on messenger, lit up because he's anxiously waiting for me to log on so we can be together for hours, or I'm there watching like a vulture for his light to come on and pouncing on him. Life is an entity reserved for people who have something to live for, to feel joy over, to laugh like a loon and giggle like a teenage girl.

I will exist in this new world that unexpectedly exploded into being all those months ago. I will do the best I can to forge a path through this dense jungle and go on without him. I will be there for my children and grandchild...maybe grandchildren one day...., loving them, being there for them. I will cherish the people who mean so much to me, who have been there for me, continue to be there for me, loving me right back. Those who help me move forward into a new day. You all know who you are. Let me take a moment to thank you all, to tell you again I love you, you're important to me and I would have followed J by now if it wasn't for you. Thank you for all you've done, for your love, support and just being the awesome people you are.

I hope the words will begin to flow smoother and have you look forward to seeing more words upon these virtual pages as I take you on my journey. I'll have to catch you up and finish the story of J and I, but be done it will....slowly but surely. Till next time, take care and know you're not on your own journey of grief alone.


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